Democratic National Committee Chairman, Howard Dean, shocked Democrats today with his announcement at a Washington D.C. press conference that Condoleezza Rice has offered to disclose confidential information and sworn testimony “that will lead to the indictments of many of the current administration’s officials, including President Bush and Vice President Cheney” in return for the Democrats nominating her for President of the United States.
“Obviously,” Dean said, “this is an opportunity to put to rest not only the bloodletting of this year’s Democratic primary campaign, but will also allow America to put the Bush administration where it belongs, behind bars. I have called for a meeting of the superdelegates to discuss this very attractive option. As you know, our superdelegates can decide anything they want to and are not beholden to the voters.”
Dr. Rice gave a brief statement, but would not take any questions. She said “This has been a very difficult decision for me, but something I have been contemplating ever since that ‘Mission Accomplished’ shenanigan. I mean, what a publicity hog that man is! But, the final straw came when George cut my shoe budget in half. That was unprecedented, and really, really unnecessary, considering how much we have been spending on the war in Iraq. I told George it would hurt my negotiating power with some of our strongest former allies, like Italy, France and Spain, where they make my favorite shoes and other fashion accessories.”
“I told him there would be hell to pay. But, you know George, he thinks God is on his side and he can control everything and everyone — frankly, his only true loyalty is to himself. I refuse to be another Scooter Libby. Oh, yah, and don’t let me forget to say how much I detested being called George’s ‘Little Guru.'”
Dean released a copy of a memo that was sent to all the Democrat superdelegates which explained his decision to offer Dr. Rice as the nominee for president. “Dr. Rice will solve just about every division the Democrats are currently experiencing. As an African-American, single, and childless woman and former Republican, she embodies the big tent of the Democrats, all wrapped up in one person. Finally, we don’t have to worry about some renegade spouse or child causing our campaigns any problems. All I can say is, what a relief!”
Senators Clinton and Obama issued short statements but have been unavailable for questioning. Clinton said “Because of this bold step by a woman I truly admire, I have decided to divorce Bill. And, I offer myself as Dr. Rice’s running mate. As a divorcee, I will be able to help Dr. Rice attract a whole new constituency to the Democratic party — all single women and divorced white women whose husbands have cheated on them — this will be huge! Besides, somebody’s got to wear the pants.”
Obama said “I am soooo glad this campaign is over. Thank you, Dr. Rice, for coming to your senses and my rescue. This is another great day for African Americans and bipartisanship. God bless America.”