Bad Puns Palin Comparison

I can’t possibly keep up with all the weaselly smears that the GOPpers are throwing out this week. I’m certain they run the gamut from “Obama is a Space Alien!” to “The Democrats will confiscate your children AND your money.” (And its corollary: “The Liberals want to have sex with your dog!” Don’t laugh, that’s essentially what the former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum said a few years back.)

So, let me give you a lens through which to view the lies, remembering that a party addicted to lies AND desperate to salvage anything from an election in which their disastrous RESULTS are on trial; a party that is never wrong and always Right (in their own minds); a party that has institutionalized the politics of division and hatred … well, that’s a dangerous party wounded and fighting for its life. Nothing would seem to be beyond them: no smear too sleazy, no mud too slimy, no gutter too low.

So, rather than try to anticipate the deceptions, let me tell you a story.

Menelaeus, King of Sparta, was the husband of Helen, and Trojan prince Paris’ absconsion with Helen (“The Face that Launched a Thousand Ships”) is the reason given by Homer in the Iliad for the Trojan War. Wikipedia:

In the Iliad, Menelaus fights bravely and well, even when wounded, and distinguishes himself particularly by recovering the body of Patroclus after he is killed by Hector. Although Menelaus is depicted as a reasonably wise and just leader, he has a tendency to rattle off fatuous bromides in the most inappropriate circumstances.

In other words, a guy kind of like Joe Biden.

Well, coming back from the war, Menelaus is becalmed off the island of Pharos near the mouth of the Nile in Egypt. (In other words, he’s majorly lost.) Pharos is the home of Proteus, the “Old Man of the Sea” and Proteus’ daughter tells the Spartan king that if he can capture Proteus, the demigod will tell him what he needs to know to get back home.

According to The Myth Encyclopedia online:

Proteus possessed knowledge of all things—past, present, and future—but was reluctant to reveal his knowledge. He would answer questions only if caught. The only way to catch him was to sneak up on him at noontime when he took his daily nap. However, Proteus also had the ability to change shape at will. Once he was seized, it was necessary to hold him tightly until he returned to his natural form. Then he would answer any question put to him. The legend of Proteus gave rise to the term protean, which means able to assume different forms.

Menelaus sneaks up on Proteus during his nap, and then the fun begins, as Proteus wildly changes forms to escape. Wikipedia:

Proteus emerged from the sea to sleep among his colony of seals, but Menelaus was successful at holding him, though Proteus took the forms of a lion, a serpent, a leopard, a pig, even of water or a tree. Proteus then answered [Menelaus] truthfully …

Menelaus returns to Sparta with his wife Helen and they live something-something ever after.

Later, the Roman poet Virgil likes this so much that he has one of HIS heroes, Aristeus, son of Apollo, go through the same wrestling match over some bees. And, every shape-shifting myth in the Western pantheon, from vampyres to the X-Men‘s villainess Mystique to Star Trek Deep Space Nine‘s Changelings owe something to Proteus. “The Menagerie” two-parter in the Original Star Trek uses the Proteus myth, when Captain Pike tries to grab the alien.

The point is this: the GOP are going to spend the next week like an evil Proteus, changing form and shape in a desperate attempt to wriggle away with the election. And they will take ANY shape or form to slither away:

John McCain, complaining about “socialism” and “spreading the wealth” complains that Barack Obama is raising too much money (average contribution under $100) and not taking “public financing” for his campaign. Er … who does John McCain thinks is contributing to Obama? And, isn’t asking for a government handout EXACTLY what McCain’s running against? Now he’s complaining that Obama ISN’T taking a government handout that McCain’s taking?

Proteus would be pleased, except Proteus tells the truth.

Of course, if you’ve voted with George Bush 90% of the time and are now running AGAINST Bush, and claiming that the system you’ve been a key player in for 26 years needs “reforming” aren’t you actually running against … yourself?

Sarah Palin, trying to pretend that Barbiegate™ is some kind of hoax comes on stage today and says, according to Jonathan Martin of Politico (with video @ link): [emphasis added]

Recognizing that the clothes kerfuffle still has legs and is damaging her politically, Sarah Palin used the start of a rally today to offer her most extended defense of the clothes bought for her last month.

Palin, speaking in Tampa, said she would not keep the pricey outfits and wasn’t even sporting them anymore.

“I’m back to wearing my own clothes from my favorite consignment shop in Anchorage, Alaska,” she noted.

Palin also used the issue to shift attention to her blue-collar roots and her son’s military service, noting her inexpensive earrings, wedding ring and Blue Star lapel pin.

She cited a “double standard” but didn’t elaborate, preferring to let guest introducer Elisabeth Hasselbeck of ABC’s “The View” pick up that line of attack.

“This is deliberately sexist,” Hasselbeck* said of the scrutiny.

Clearly, they waited this long to address the issue in hopes it would blow over. Palin said she wanted to do so at the rally to avoid “the filter of the media” — always a good line for a GOP crowd — but even in friendly interviews this week she didn’t offer up much of an explanation. Further, there was no mention until McCain let it slip on “Meet the Press” today that a third of the clothing was given back after the convention.

Now, nine days out, comes the defense, ensuring that the story will stay alive for at least one more news cycle.

[* Barbie doll solidarity, evidently.]

See? They’ll do or say anything, then, if caught, will morph like Proteus, making a virtue of the clothing earlier eschewed and pretending that alla them fancy duds and the $58,000 makeup artist and $900 spray-on tan … er … well … look, over there! Isn’t that the ghost of Ronald Reagan?

Oh. Never mind. We were talking about SEXISM!

“Mystique” from X-Men

McCain goes on “Meet the Press,” says that polls are nonsense and he doesn’t believe in them, and then embraces the new poll showing him “only” 5 points behind with a week to go. Er, does he believe in polls, or only in the polls that tells him what he wants to believe? Of course, he also told Tom Brokaw that he “guarantees” a victory.

Joe Willie Namath he ain’t.

Jerome “Swift Boat” Corsi has a new viral email smear out.

And so on and so forth and scoobie doobie do wah. (With apologies to Sly Stone).

Rationalizations and ratiocinations of deceptive deceivers beggar the imagination.

Although they imagine us to be beggars. Buggers!

If their economic morass catches up with us, we may well end up so being. In fact, a “Republican strategist” was on MSNBC just this morning trying to sell that it is all … wait for it … BILL CLINTON’S FAULT!

Somebody like that is capable of anything.

woman feeding imps

And all the bad puns in the world Palin comparison.

Welcome to Hell Week, kiddies! Fasten your seat belts. This last sprint to election day is going to get bumpy. If you need a good slug of intestinal fortitude, there’s a hip flask of it HERE.

Just remember to keep a tight grip on old Proteus’ throat, and eventually he’ll stop the scary shape-shifting.

Don’t expect these to ever tell the truth, though: that part’s just an old myth.

And remember, your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device.


No. Really.



cross posted from his vorpal sword

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About Hart Williams

Mr. Williams grew up in Wyoming, Nebraska, Kansas and New Mexico. He lived in Hollywood, California for many years. He has been published in The Washington Post, The Kansas City Star, The Santa Fe Sun, The Los Angeles Free Press, Oui Magazine, New West, and many, many more. A published novelist and a filmed screenwriter, Mr. Williams eschews the decadence of Hollywood for the simple, wholesome goodness of the plain, honest people of the land. He enjoys Luis Buñuel documentaries immensely.

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One Response to Bad Puns Palin Comparison

  1. barney says:

    beautifully written piece. well done.  I see that the $900 spray-on tan info is from Martin Eisenstadt’s blog.  Makes me wonder if he’s the McCain campaign insider who anonymously called Palin a “Diva” to CNN today.