As perennial as the drool that escapes the corner of a cretin’s mouth, Theodore Nugent springs, evergreen. This time, with typical Nugent reserve, he yowls into the debate on how the Republican Party should respond to their most recent electoral drubbing.


Quick, what’s a six-letter word for “idiot”?

Yes. That’s right. Human Events Magazine has published Nugent’s latest ravings, as the aptly-entitled “Motor City Madman” discusses — in that calm and reserved intellectual manner that all and sundry have come to expect from Mr. Nugent — how Republicans In Name Only should be purged. Er, hunted down and shot, seemingly, by the antithesis of the code of the hunter, a human who exults in murdering animals for sport (and profit) in numbers that can only be characterized as betraying a dark and atavistic pathology.

(See “A Hunting Lesson” [ 8 October 08] for the antithesis of Nugentism.)

Now, I know that what Nugent exhibits, fundamentally, is a “LOOK AT ME” pathology, carried to the extreme that he’ll do or say anything that gets him attention. This may be only throwing kerosene on the fire, but this whole false bravado, fake macho, posturing, strutting and cocksmanship is very close to the root of what’s wrong with the GOP, quite in contradiction to Theodore’s thesis that it’s because Republicans aren’t ideologically pure enough that they got their proverbial asses handed to them on November 4. Mr. Nugent (or more likely his wife, who used to do the news on a major market Rust Belt FM station before marrying and being whisked away to Theodore Nugent’s current domicile outside of Waco, Texas) writes, in Human Events:

Rino Season Is Now Open
by Ted Nugent


Like any entity that abandons basic quality control, political parties rot from within. It happened to the Democrats long ago, and now has become the case with the Republican Party, which has strayed from its conservative underpinnings….

It is, truly, astonishing that a mind so dull could pack so much speciousness, so much hogwash, and such a preponderance of sheerest hooey into so few words. I tip my hat to the brevity of your witlessness, Mr. Nugent.

It’s rare that raving is so concisely and compactly delivered, like a cat turd in the rhetorical punchbowl of our democracy.

“Like any entity that abandons basic quality control …”

I presume that Mr. Nugent believes himself to be an industrial engineer of some sort, with a self-anointed expertise in social philosophy, concluding his thesis with the nonsensical non-sequitur of “political parties rot from within.”

What on Earth is that supposed to mean? I will admit to being hobbled by only speaking English, but even in English this doesn’t parse. What the hell does quality control have to do with political parties? Some sort of eugenics? (Which didn’t work, by the by. Nature seems to appreciate hybrid vigor much more than pureblood breeding, which only seems to produce bleeders in European experience.)

Then young Theodore makes his ‘thesis’ even more obscurantist:

There are really only four things I have a strong aversion to: unloaded guns, dull knives, banjos, and Republicans in Name Only (RINOs).

The Nugent family simply doesn’t allow any of those things in our lives.*

[* Like, say, sanity or rationality.]

It’s supposed to be cute and funny, one supposes, but it only comes off as ignorant and bigoted. Try this: A gun is for killing. Unless there is a reason and a need to kill, there is no excuse to keep a loaded gun around. Mostly, we find, loaded guns left around people’s homes end up shooting people in the household, usually by accident. In the case of burglaries, ditto. Still, if the coward Nugent feels the need to keep loaded guns to feel safe, that’s his business. But it is no justification; indeed, it is a self-indictment of imbecility and cowardice.

Second, “dull knives”: much as it pains me, I have to admit that this is true. A dull knife is a lot more dangerous than a sharp knife, just as Ted Nugent can be more dangerous than someone sharp-witted.

Banjos? That’s ridiculous. Music is music, and the instrument is not the issue. The world is filled with non-musicians making horrible sounds on exceptional instruments and vice-versa. (Into the former class, of recent years, falls Mr. Nugent’s own ‘music,’ with “Fred Bear” being one of the most pathetic hard rock songs ever recorded, surpassed in musicianship and inventiveness by the Portsmouth Sinfonia and Iggy Pop’s “Meet The Stooges” (on the back cover of the LP, it is stated that Iggy taught the other members of his band how to play their instruments, and, sonically, it shows).

Finally, RINOs. We have actually come to the “point” of the Nugentian dialectic, with Theodore holding both thesis and antithesis without ever coming within visual range of synthesis:

RINOs are Fedzilla punks who feign support for conservative principles only when it serves their political interest. RINOs are also known for their moderate positions such as supporting tax increases, federal “bailouts”, “comprehensive immigration reform”, advocating more counterproductive gun control that guarantee more innocent victims, opposing the death penalty, and growing and sustaining Fedzilla and all its toxic mongrels by going along with the liberals. RINOs have forgotten President Ronald Maximus Regan’s (sic) admonition that government is the problem, not the solution…

All right: it is sheer blather. (Leaving aside Nugent’s evident inability to spell Ronald Reagan’s name correctly). What follows is an idiot wind, pulling out his flaccid member and waving it, as though it were a gun at the objects of self-styled political “expert” Theodore Nugent’s hate and derision:

“RINOs are Fedzilla punks who feign support for conservative principles only when it serves their political interest.”

Well, once again, this probably DOES make sense on the planet that Mr. Nugent comes from. Unfortunately for him, he is not living on that planet at present, and English-speaking inhabitants of this planet might recognize the vocabulary and syntax of the sentence as being correct grammatically, but, alas, this is as empty of meaning as Mr. Nugent’s head seems to be devoid of gray matter.

You’re certainly welcome to read the rest of it, tissue-thin though it is, intellectually. But note that reading it IS Nugent’s point. It is a particular neuroses known to all parents of three-year-old children: they want ATTENTION, and, in the case of problem children, they are willing to do ANYTHING to get that attention.

The last time this came up, Nugent was hyping his rotten CD in the Wall Street Journal.* [* See: “Nugent Disgusts Anew, My Response.” 27 August 2007, for all the gory details.]

Theodore Nugent (‘s wife) writes a regular column for the Waco Tribune Herald, in Waco, Texas. You know, where the Branch Davidians had their Waterloo with ATF? Waco wacko Nugent likes to rave about gun rights. How creepy is that? (writing as “By Ted Nugent, Texas Wildman”.)

Don’t ya just LOVE fake cowboys? Nugent in his pathetic camouflage “cowboy” hat is about as Texan as Monty Python are all Texans. When you’re called “The Motor City Madman” and then you call yourself the “Texas Wildman” people might just get the notion that you’re a pathological liar — if just from the INTERNAL evidence of your own biographical blather.

Which brings us right back to Sarah Palin — whom I did NOT want to write further about, but the pathology is too much the same to NOT take note. I had written the previous section before going to bed after pulling an all-nighter. I stopped off to watch MSNBC, though, and caught Palin’s speech before the (significantly) GRAY map of the USA with the repeated logo RGA (Republican Governors Association).


from the RGA webpage, today

And it was penny dreadful. As she read, awkwardly, her prepared speech (obviously written for her, since she seemed unfamiliar with many of the words used) I could only think “Where have I heard this before?”

And then it came to me: It sounded like a bad, self-indulgent treasurer’s report at a local meeting of the PTA. Worse, it seemed to me that some pipsqueak from Alaska with only two years’ experience as a governor of one of the smallest populations in the USA would probably PISS OFF the audience of governors from the rest of the country, ALL OF WHOM have more political experience than Ms. Palin, and none of whom would appreciate being lectured to like a captive audience of third graders.

Worse, proud and ambitious men and women that they are, I doubt seriously that they appreciated that Palin’s speech was being carried live on all the cable channels, while they themselves were relegated to the evening news, the media equivalent of page A-17.

CNN verifies this:

GOP governors unhappy with Palin press conference — Some GOP governors weren’t happy with how Palin’s press conference unfolded. — MIAMI (CNN) — Some Republican governors tell CNN they were not particularly happy with the way the Republican Governors Association press conference …

The point is that Sarah Palin is just as flapdoodle, gully-whumper crazy as Theodore Nugent. It doesn’t really matter what they SAY, you see, only that the maximum number of people see them saying it. As far as embarrassment at their individual shallowness?

Forget it. Shame requires self-awareness, not self-aggrandisement, and the latter, our dyspeptic duo have in spades, baby.

So, what do we end up with?

Nugent shrieking so that he’ll get attention. Gee, why? (Summer before last, he was pushing the release of his #186 with a dum-dum bullet CD in 2007, “Love Grenade.” (Not nearly as sophisticated as the juvenile Alice Cooper title “Muscle of Love,” but in the same spongiform vein.)

So I checked. What self-interest could this megalomaniacal no-talent be serving?

And there it was (announcing an October 27 appearance on CNBC’s Donnie Deutsch Show):

Ted Nugent recently launched his latest assault onto the New York Times bestseller list as his book “Ted, White, And Blue: The Nugent Manifesto” entered the Top 10 at No. 8. This marked the fiercely independent rock legend’s second time charting on the New York Times bestseller list, a spot he achieved with “God, Guns, and Rock ‘n’ Roll” (2000). Ted’s other successful books include “Kill It and Grill It”, “Blood Trails: The Truth About Bowhunting” and “Blood Trails II”.

Released on October 6 via Regnery Publishing, “Ted, White & Blue: The Nugent Manifesto” features 10 chapters on how to fix America….

Yeah, that’s right, from our old friend Tom Phillips’ publishing arm, Regnery Press.

I suppose that it wouldn’t seem odd that Tom Phillips’ Human Events magazine would post Tom Phillips’ Regnery Press “author” Theodore Nugent’s carpet-chewing contemporaneous with the book’s release. That’s just NORMAL media manipulation and lying. We don’t even get upset about that kind of satanic stratagem anymore. It’s just “normal” — which, when you think about it, is quite an indictment of our national morality.

And, at the end, the two hucksters, the two MEEEE FIRSTERS! come together, as we knew that they must. Rolling Stone:

Ted Nugent Wishes Sarah Palin Luck This Hunting Season
9/17/08, 1:54 pm EST


Rock’s favorite Republican Ted Nugent has sent a copy of his new book Ted, White & Blue: The Nugent Manifesto to Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin. In fact, Palin was at the top of Nugent’s list to receive an advance copy of the book, which documents Uncle Ted’s ideas on “how to fix America.” In a letter to Palin, the Nuge writes, “As a proud fellow American hunter, fisherman and lover of Alaska’s soul cleansing magnificent Spirit of the Wild, we who live our American Dream by God, truth, logic, goodwill and decency, thank you for bringing such defiant common sense and self evident truth back to the GOP and politics.” […]

No comment on the content is needed here.

And, rather than accepting the common, unwritten codes of American Politics (like she decided to reject the common, accepted 2,500 year old definition of what a “debate” is), Sarah Palin has thrust herself into the national limelight — rather than take a powder, which is what losing tickets have done since the dawn of the Republic (for a good, practical reason: the people have chosen, and their choice should be accorded the courtesy of the spotlight in the aftermath). No: Caribou Barbie™ is out there, Of the Palin, By the Palin, For the Palin, that her celebutard status should not perish from the Earth.

(I wonder if she can sing. Can’t be any worse than Nugent, I suppose, except that you could never get TWO looney-toons divas on the same stage together for any extended period. Still, the Caribou Barbie and the Motor City Madman Tour would surely be entertaining, while it lasted.)

But I do have an answer to Theodore Nugent’s prescription for what is wrong with the Republican Party (while noting that you DO NOT get to make up your own English words until you have demonstrated great facility WITH English, which theodore Nugent’s ghost-writer definitely has NOT):

My specialty is making Fedzilla punks squirm and turn into a puddle of sweat and drool. Therefore, in the spirit of famous butt kickers Generals Chesty Puller and George Patton, I say we launch an attack on all fronts. Uncle Ted hereby declares it is open season on RINOs. No bag limits or permits required. Conservative ideas, arguments and votes are the weapons we will use. Hunt them down and shine a blazing light on these RINO turncoat cockroaches. Zero in the “we the people” crosshairs of your voting assault weapon and aim for the RINO pumpstation. Double tap center mass. Whack em and stack em, track em and hack em, pack em and give em no slack. Let’s do to the RINO beasts what we did to the passenger pigeon. Force out of the Republican Party out the subspecies known as RINOs….

The problem with the Republican Party, Mr. Nugent, is YOU.



* NOTE: I have carefully tried to make this non-threatening to Theodore Nugent. I don’t want him to cry and lie awake at night with the covers pulled over his head like last time — “Ted Nugent fears death by ‘lunatic fringe’ liberal blogger,” The Raw Story, Friday July 13, 2007. Sleep tight, Mr. Nugent. Nobody ’round these parts would waste perfectly good ammunition shooting you.

Crossposted at his vorpal sword.

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About Hart Williams

Mr. Williams grew up in Wyoming, Nebraska, Kansas and New Mexico. He lived in Hollywood, California for many years. He has been published in The Washington Post, The Kansas City Star, The Santa Fe Sun, The Los Angeles Free Press, Oui Magazine, New West, and many, many more. A published novelist and a filmed screenwriter, Mr. Williams eschews the decadence of Hollywood for the simple, wholesome goodness of the plain, honest people of the land. He enjoys Luis Buñuel documentaries immensely.
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