Oh Noes! I missed ‘Talk Like a Pirate’ Day!

“Happy is he who has discovered the causes of things
and has cast beneath his feet all fears, unavoidable fate,
and the din of the devouring Underworld.” — Virgil

Fortunately, talking like a Republican and talking like a pirate are more or less the same thing (pirates tend to be more poetic and compassionate). So, we can chronicle who talked like a pirate yesterday with relative ease:


“I suspect if something was up there like that about Joe Biden, they’d get rid of it. If you’re a responsible business, you don’t let things like that happen in your business that have an impact on the country.”

Rick Santorum on contacting Google to attempt to have what happens when you google “Santorum” removed.


And that was only the beginning.

There was the pissing match in Slanderland between Greta van Susterin and Tucker Carlson (a/k/a “Shootout at the ‘I’m OK, you’re Nuts’ Corral“):

by Greta Van Susteren

I really don’t understand my friend Tucker Carlson. He owns the website The Daily Caller and it currently has on its front page the most vile story — referring to a sex act with Governor Sarah Palin as a “womb shifter.” It is even the headline. Do you know what that means? Figure it out It is really vile. It is not just smut…this is violence against women.

The “womb shifter” reference reported in the story is only the tip of the ice berg in terms of the vile nature of the posting. I am sparing you the details. To show you how bad it is, however, I have put a screen grab up of the front page reference on Tucker’s website. (I am deliberately not putting the link up since I am not going to help Tucker be a pig…he apparently can do it all himself without my help.)

And here’s the lovely “post pig” video:

click here to watch on YouTube (opens new tab)

Avast ye swabbies! Take that, ye swine! (I have, however, provided the link.) But let’s not forget van Susterininin’s (un)stable-mate:

I have more power than anybody other than the president, in the sense that I can get things changed, quickly. I don’t have to go through the legislative process; I don’t have to do any of that. I can just bring it to the people, and say, look, this has gotta be dealt with.”

Bill O’Reilly, quoted by the Daily Beast


O’Reilly is only getting started, however. Later on, he burnishes his pirate credentials:

O’Reilly now intends to get the Republican presidential candidates on the record, whether they are willing or not. He has formed a political unit, featuring his star producer-reporter, Jesse Waters, famous for his ambush interviews. (Waters once chased down Al Gore, a Factor avoider, at a speech venue, shouting, “Do you stand to make any money from cap-and-trade?”)

“If they won’t come to us, we’ll go to them,” O’Reilly says, with a slightly sinister smile. “They’re not gonna hide from us. Everybody’s gonna be asked questions. The easy way is, come in, good lighting, we’ll give you a doughnut, we’ll have a nice conversation. The hard way is, Waters is standing in your driveway at 7 in the morning. You know? It’s your choice.”

Some would call that journalistic thuggery. “I don’t care; I couldn’t care less,” O’Reilly says. “My job is to bring information to the people. If they wanna think I’m a thug—they’re probably right.

Q.E.D. matey. But there be more pirate talkin’ in the slandersphere.

Texas Republican Rep. “Christian” says there’ll be no parlay:

This is not a war against women,” said Republican founder of WomanTrend Kellyanne Conway.

Texas Rep. Wayne Christian (R), however, begs to differ. With Gov. Rick Perry (R-TX) at the helm, Texas Republicans have passed an “emergency” law forcing women to view a sonogram before an abortion, threatened a poor women’s health care program over Planned Parenthood funding, are seeking to restrict hospitals and physicians over abortion procedures, and has cut funding for family planning clinics by two-thirds.

When asked whether Texas’s anti-family planning efforts were “a war on birth control,” Christian replied, “Well of course this is a war on birth control and abortions and everything.”

Avast ye swabbies!

Back when Paul Ryan was but a wee cabin boy

And let’s not forget the Pirates of Ponzi (not written by Gilbert and Sullivan):

The Republican chairman of the House Budget Committee on Tuesday drew fire from Democrats for backing Texas Gov. Rick Perry’s description of Social Security as a “Ponzi scheme.”

Social Security fits the technical definition of a Ponzi scheme, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) told conservative Laura Ingraham on her radio show.

“It’s not a criminal enterprise, but it’s a pay-as-you-go system, where earlier investors — or say, taxpayers — get a positive rate of return, and the most recent investors — or taxpayers — get a negative rate of return,” he said. “That is how those schemes work.”

Actually, by that definition, your BANK is a Ponzi scheme, when you think about it.

But what the hay.

And, finally, I’m not sure whether these are pirates, Tea Baggers who are against teabagging or both:

The American Family Association affiliate OneMillionMoms is calling on activists to boycott Ben & Jerry’s because of the company’s new Schweddy Balls ice cream. In an email, the group describes the legendary Saturday Night Live skit featuring People For the American Way board member Alec Baldwin, Ana Gasteyer and Molly Shannon that gives the ice cream its name, but doesn’t see the humor in it. “The vulgar new flavor has turned something as innocent as ice cream into something repulsive,” the group writes.

Urging activists to demand “that no additional Schweddy Balls ice cream be distributed,” the AFA wants its members to tell Ben & Jerry’s to “refrain from producing another batch with this name or any other offensive names or you will no longer be able to purchase their products.”

Of  course, if schweddy balls were TRULY repulsive, there would be no families in the American Family Association, and there would be zero, and not One Million moms. Just a bunch of horny bastards scarfing down rocky road.

Prepare to be boarded. Or, in the case of this famous former pirate,

Prepare to be water boarded.

I guess “Sixteen men on a dead man’s chest” was taken not so much as a sea chanty as an instruction manual.

EVERY day in the GOP is “Talk Like a Pirate Day.”

So I’m not late, after all.


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About Hart Williams

Mr. Williams grew up in Wyoming, Nebraska, Kansas and New Mexico. He lived in Hollywood, California for many years. He has been published in The Washington Post, The Kansas City Star, The Santa Fe Sun, The Los Angeles Free Press, Oui Magazine, New West, and many, many more. A published novelist and a filmed screenwriter, Mr. Williams eschews the decadence of Hollywood for the simple, wholesome goodness of the plain, honest people of the land. He enjoys Luis Buñuel documentaries immensely.
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