Tag Archives: satire

Look for the Union Bunny

  By Walter Brasch | March 31, 2013 1:53 pm - 1:53 pm | , , ,
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Bullied, harassed, and lied to, District 1 of the Amalgamated Association of Easter Bunnies, AFB-CIO (American Federation of Bunnies–Cottontails International Organization) went on strike, forcing a halt to this year’s Easter egg hunts. At Bunny Headquarters, Solomon P. Bunny, union executive secretary, and a militant corps of Easter bunnies were preparing picket signs. I walked in, notepad in hand. “Excuse me, Mr. Bunny, but why aren’t your members delivering eggs this week?” Bunny looked up from the papers on his desk, chomped harder on his cigar, looked at me, scowled, and answered harshly, “Don’t you know!?” “No, sir,” I replied apologetically. “I always thought you were happy and content passing out your Easter eggs.” “We love it,” growled Bunny, “but … Continue reading →

The Problem with the Bahmas

  By Walter Brasch | January 23, 2013 9:40 am - 9:40 am | , , , , , ,
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His face flushed, his cheeks puffing half-syllables of super-heated air, Sen. Porkbelly Fishbottom was about to swallow an aneurysm. I threw water on his face, trying to cool him. It just sputtered and sizzled. I tried quietly talking to him, trying to calm him down. He wasn’t listening. After five minutes, I was about to call 911 to report a stroke victim, when he said his first two-syllable word. “Bahma!” “Bama?” I asked. “Something wrong in Alabama? Is the school cancelling its professional football team?” “Bahma!” he said, spitting out both syllables. His fire-red cheeks drained into his neck, leaving a pasty-white face. He was returning to normal, and there would be no need to call out a $2,500 lifeflight … Continue reading →

Vouchering an Educational Adventure

  By Walter Brasch | August 18, 2012 6:55 am - 6:55 am | , , ,
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                                                            by WALTER BRASCH   I hadn’t talked with Marshbaum for a couple of years, ever since he left newspaper journalism for more lucrative work in the fast food industry. But here he was in my office to ask if I would publicize his new educational adventure. “That’s great!” I said. “You’re finishing the last three years of college.” “I own the school. CEO of Little Minds Charter and Voucher Corp. We’re on the leading edge of the trend to privatize schools.” “How does mumbling into a broken speaker box make you qualified to run a school?” I asked. “Interpersonal communication skills,” he replied. “That, and knowing how to count change and arrange work schedules for the three … Continue reading →

Spearing a Tax Deduction

  By Walter Brasch | April 20, 2012 11:16 am - 11:16 am |
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                  by WALTER BRASCH  On a bright Monday morning, a day before tax returns were due, I bumped into my ersatz friend Marshbaum who was placing a change container at the Gas-High Mini-mart on Low Octane and Greed avenues. “March of Dimes?” I asked. “Dimes. Quarters. Ten-dollar bills. Whatever.” Since he misunderstood my question, I tried it another way. “What charity? Humane Society? MS? Veterans Relief?” “Even better. A museum.” “Science museum for kids? Art museum?” “Not even close.” “I’m not playing 20 Questions. Put the danged label on your change can.” From a tattered vinyl briefcase, Marshbaum took out a peelable label proclaiming donations for the “Marshbaum Museum of American Culture.” “You can drop your spare change into it now.” … Continue reading →

Labor Pains: A Fable for Our Times

  By Walter Brasch | February 10, 2012 6:52 am - 6:52 am | , ,
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Once, many years ago, in a land far away between two oceans, with fruited plains, amber waves of grain, and potholes on its highways, there lived a young man named Sam. Now, Sam was a bright young man who wanted to work and save money so he could go to school and become an electrician. But the only job open in his small community was at the gas station. So, for two years, Sam pumped gas, washed windshields, checked dipsticks and tire pressure, smiled and chatted with all the customers, gave them free drinking glasses when they ordered a fill-up, and was soon known as the best service station attendant in town. But then the Grand Caliphs of Oil said … Continue reading →

Outsourcing America’s Health Care

  By Walter Brasch | January 20, 2012 8:38 am - 8:38 am | , ,
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“Ola, Amigo! Pack your bags, we’re going to Mexico!” bubbled Dr. Franklin Peterson Comstock III, faux physician and money-maker. “Yeah, I could use a decent vacation,” I replied, figuring he’d pay for both of us since he had just set the world record for the most nose jobs in a 24-hour period. “What vacation?” he said. “I’m setting up practice.” “And give up catering to rich people with inflated bank accounts and deflated ethics?” “Don’t have a choice. I’m getting laid off.” Comstock had been a rainmaker for the Megabucks Happy Health Care Medical Center for the past decade. There was only one reason I could think of why he’d be laid off. “Megabucks tired of paying your malpractice insurance?” … Continue reading →

The Personhood of a Mississippi

  By Walter Brasch | November 11, 2011 7:28 am - 7:28 am | , , , , , ,
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  by WALTER BRASCH    “O.K., class, we have a few minutes at the end of today’s lecture about how the godless Communists created evolution to try to destroy the decent loyal patriotic capitalist society of America. Any questions? Yes, Billy Bob.” “Mr. Jim Bob, I heard about this thing called a person. What is that?” “Good question. With all the distortions by the lyin’ liberal left-wing, it can get confusing. But, it’s really simple. A person is an egg that has just been fertilized by a sperm. We call this young person a Zygote.” “Does it have to be a goat? Can it be anything else?” “Well, Susie Bob, if you nurture it, that fertilized egg can grow up to … Continue reading →

A Patch of Pumpkin Heads

  By Walter Brasch | October 29, 2011 9:50 am - 9:50 am | , , ,
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by Rosemary and Walter Brasch In a few days, millions of children will put on costumes, go door to door, and shout “trick or treat.” By Nov. 1, it’ll be over. But, it won’t be over for Americans who will face presidential candidates for the next year. The candidates will continue to try to mask their true selves, while luring us with treats that disguise tricks. Let’s see what each of the candidates might be wearing for the coming year. President Obama could dress as a stable boy. Since his first day on the job, he’s had to shovel whatever it is that was left for him in the stable. His opponents, however, think he should dress up as Pinocchio, … Continue reading →